


Welcome To Where Time Stands Still (A timestamp forThe Doors of Time)

by felisblanco



Series: The Doors of Time [11]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-31
Updated: 2009-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:23:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felisblanco/pseuds/felisblanco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A timestamp for <a href="http://felisblanco.livejournal.com/856417.html">The Doors of Time</a> set roughly 18 months after the epilogue. Jensen's past catches up with him.</p><p> <i>“I…” Ben says, bewildered. “I just wanted to see if it was really him. It’s been so long, I thought I’d never…”<br/>“Who. The fuck. <i>Are</i> you?” the man repeats between clenched teeth.<br/>“I’m Dr. Benjamin Teller. I’m a psychiatrist…” he starts to explain and the guy punches him. Right in the face.</i><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome To Where Time Stands Still (A timestamp forThe Doors of Time)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Welcome Home (Sanitarium)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/1222484_MetallicaWelcome_home_sanitarium.mp3) by Metallica. Set roughly 18 months after the epilogue. This follows up from This Strange And Mournful Day, bringing to light some disturbing issues brought up there. Again I ask you to remember that Jensen's head and therefor his memories don't work like other peoples. So, just don't worry too much, ok? (All music= right-click/save as if you want to download)

_“Jensen? Jensen. I want you to meet someone.”  
Jensen slowly opens his eyes, blinking up at the shadow silhouetted against the grey light from the windows. Tall, broad-shouldered, shaggy hair. Jensen breathes out.  
“Jensen? Jensen, this is...”  
‘Jared,’ he thinks. He’s smiling even if his face stays blank. It doesn’t matter, Jared will know. Jared always knows.  
“I’ll leave you to get to know each other. Jensen?”  
He nods. The shadow comes closer, the shy steps of a young man not yet grown. Has it really been that long? Is he really that tall already? Because it’s not a shimmer, there are no shimmers in here. No colors, no music, no... weirdness. It’s just this. Sitting. Waiting. Hoping for someone to come. His mom or his dad... No, not his dad. His dad is dead. That’s what she said. “You killed him, didn’t you? You killed him!”Slapping his blank face so hard the sound echoed through the room. He hadn’t felt anything. Not the sting from her palm, not the heat in his cheek, no tears in his eyes. No grief.  
“Jensen? You alright? Jensen? Hey...”  
A hand on his arm. Then the solid pressure of a body sitting next to his, arm around him, pulling him close. Jensen closes his eyes. A hand cradles the side of his head, pressing until it’s resting on a strong shoulder.  
“It’s okay. I’ll be your friend, Jensen. I’ll be the best friend you ever had.”  
Jensen smiles. He falls asleep._

 

It’s a sunny Saturday in downtown New York and Dr. Benjamin Teller is feeling good. He’s been attending a seminar all morning and will be for the rest of the day once lunch hour is over but for now he’s enjoying the nice weather. It’s unusually warm for early October and he already has his jacket draped over his shoulder and the tie hanging loose around his neck. It’s amazing, he thinks, what a little sun and a change of scenery can do. He feels lighter somehow, refreshened by a happy sense of freedom that washed over him as soon as he entered the park. He loves his job, he really does, but it’s mentally exhausting and to get away like this, if only for a couple of days, is invigorating.

These seminars are usually held in Boston, a city he has come to love as much as his own, but for some reason they moved it to New York this year and it’s a surprisingly nice change. He’s never been to New York before, it’s always seemed way too stressful for his taste, but he’s finding himself enjoying it far more than he expected. Right now he’s strolling through Central Park, sipping from a tall cup of frappuccino as he uses the opportunity to people-watch, a hobby he’s never grown tired of despite the fact that it’s basically his daily job.

“Stop staring at people, dad,” his daughter sometimes hisses, fourteen and embarrassed by everything. “It’s rude.”

“I’m not staring,” he tells her, “I’m observing. There’s a difference.”

She tells him she still thinks it’s creepy and he guesses in a way she’s right. He’s just always been interested in the many faces of humanity. What goes on inside people’s heads, what makes them the persons they are. It’s fascinating how one person’s brain can be so different from the next. During his twenty years as a psychiatrist he’s gotten to know so many different personalities that he’s come to realize there are no rules to what makes a person who they are, only exceptions. He can bring up names and faces that defy every theory. And a name and face that defied them all.

Ben frowns. He hasn’t thought of Jensen Ackles in ages and he has no idea what brought him up now. Sure, Jensen is one he’ll never forget but he decided long ago that if he wasn’t going to end up like one of his patients, he had to step back and let go. He’d become pretty obsessed there for a while. First with Jensen himself, this mysterious boy that baffled them all, and then with finding out what had happened to him once he disappeared. It had come to the point that his wife had threatened to walk out if he didn’t stop. And so he had, as hard as it had been. He still thinks of Jensen from time to time but never for long because he knows it will only lead to him falling into the same obsession. So what on earth made him think of him now?

The bright sound of laughter rides on the soft breeze, making his skin tingle, like bubbles of champagne on his tongue. The same feeling of happiness he felt earlier washes over him and he looks around, intrigued. The sound rings again and this time he’s able to trace it to a young man sitting on the grass, doubled over in a fit of giggles. Presumably over his friend, who’s currently rolling on the ground, fighting over a bit of rope with a big beast of a dog.

“Get him, Harley,” he hears the man shout gleefully, almost falling over when the dog – Harley? – barks enthusiastically and consequently loses his grip on the rope, making the guy fighting it fall on his ass, arms flailing.

Ben can’t help smiling. There’s something endearing about grownups forgetting themselves in play like children. Any other day he would stop and observe for a moment but it’s about time he went back if he’s not to be late for the second half of the seminar and so he reluctantly turns away. He’s throwing his empty cup in a nearby trashcan when he hears a loud voice shout, “Jensen Ackles, you traitor! You’re supposed to be on _my_ side!” and he freezes in his tracks.

What? It can’t be. He turns around slowly, staring at the two men now wrestling on the grass. The boy that had been playing with the dog ends up on top and whoops triumphantly but as he’s celebrating his victory the tables turn and he’s the one on his back, the other straddling him with a wicked smile on his face.

Dr. Ben Teller has never seen that smile. He’s never heard that laughter and he’s never seen those eyes light up like a Christmas tree. But that face, he knows that face. He knew it when it was pale and wooden, when those eyes were as empty as black holes and those lips were cracked and dry and hardly spoke a word. It’s like watching a statue brought to life. He feels like Geppetto, discovering a flesh and blood Pinocchio where before there was only wood and paint.

“Jensen?” Without thinking he’s crossing the lawn, calling out the name he can now admit has been on the tip of his tongue for the last ten years. “Jensen, is that really you?”

Jensen turns his head, smiling up until the moment he catches sight of Ben. The effect is immediate and shocking. Not just on Jensen himself, the way his face falls into a stoned mask and how the light in his eyes goes out, leaving them completely blank and empty. But the whole park seems to change, going grey and cold, like autumn has suddenly remembered its place. Ben glances up at the sky and is surprised to see thick clouds gathering where he’s sure there were none before. He looks back down and finds himself face to chest with one of the tallest men he’s ever met in his life. Tall and furious.

“Who the fuck are you?” the giant growls. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

Ben blinks, looking past the wall of rage at Jensen who’s sitting on the grass, staring ahead at nothing. Pinocchio back in his wooden prison. The dog nudges Jensen’s neck with a wet nose before sitting down beside him, whining pitifully.

“I…” Ben says, bewildered. “I just wanted to see if it was really him. It’s been so long, I thought I’d never…”

“Who. The fuck. _Are_ you?” the man repeats between clenched teeth.

“I’m Dr. Benjamin Teller. I’m a psychiatrist…” he starts to explain and the guy punches him. Right in the face.

When Ben comes to what must only be seconds later he’s lying flat on his back on the grass and his jaw hurts like a son of a bitch. Groaning he rolls over to his side and then gets slowly to his feet. Jensen is still sitting a few feet away, frozen like before, the dog lying flat by his side, staring at him with huge worried eyes. Jensen’s crazy Rambo of a bodyguard is crouched beside him, obviously trying to wake him out of his stupor. The few whispered words Ben catches are sweet and worried and leave no doubt to the nature of their relationship.

It shouldn’t surprise him, after all Jensen’s imaginary friend back then was male, both versions of him. There was the boy who may have been based on an old friend from back home, and an adult man that went by the same name that Jensen had clearly felt very strongly about, more so than could be chalked up as simple friendship. Not that Jensen ever talked much about him. Or anything really. Still, it’s surprising that Jensen with all his problems not only has managed to form such a strong affectionate relationship with someone but that it is with a man. In Ben’s experience men seldom inhabit the same nurturing inclinations that so many women do, provoking them to take care of people they see as broken. Something that Jensen unfortunately is on so many levels.

Ben rubs his sore jaw, wondering for a moment what he should do. Turn tail and run seems like the obvious choice, followed by a call to the police to report the assault. Except that will without a doubt mean that he’ll never discover the truth about Jensen and what happened to him. And he really, really wants to. The whole thing baffles him. Hell, hearing Jensen laugh baffled him more than anything else he’s faced in his long career. And if he walks away now the chance to find out what he wants to know will be lost to him forever.

Of course if he stays chances are he’ll get beaten up again. And Jensen’s boyfriend is one huge son of a bitch. But watching them now, the gentle way he cups Jensen’s cheek and the soft stroke of his fingers through Jensen’s hair… curiosity easily wins over caution.

“I’m sorry,” he says and takes a step closer. The dog’s head snaps up, teeth showing as it growls threatingly. Ben stops. “I had no idea he would react like that,” he adds, voice lowered.

“You should have,” the man says coldly without turning around.“You’re the one that made him this way.”

Ben blinks. “What?” he asks, bewildered. “I don’t understand.”

The man glares at him over his shoulder. “You’re from that place, right? Where he was?”

“I assume you mean Sunset Home for…” Ben starts but is cut off by the man laughing out loud.

“You gotta be kidding me. _That’s_ its name?” he sneers.

“Uhm… yes?” Ben frowns. “Why? What does Jensen call it?”

The man gets slowly to his feet and turns around. His eyes are still filled with rage even if it’s quieter now, and Ben automatically takes a step back. “He calls it Inside,” he says coldly. “Like a prison. Because that’s what it was.”

Ben stares at him. “I assure you, it’s anything but. I’m surprised he…”

The man cuts in, irritated. “Maybe there were no cells or bars but you locked him up in his own goddamn head and that, I’m sure you know, is the ultimate prison.” At Ben’s confused look he shakes his head. “Why do I bother? You have no idea what you’ve done, have you? Fucking idiot.”

With a disgusted huff he stalks back to Jensen and hoists him to his feet as easily as if he were a raggedy doll. The dog gets up as well, standing tall and protective, one eye on Ben, the other on its masters. “Ok, Jen, we’re going home now. I’ll call Chris on the way, see if he can swing by.” Jensen doesn’t answer but he follows easily enough, putting one foot in front of the other in the direction his friend steers him, the dog on their heels.

“Wait!” Ben says and hurries after them. “Just… wait. Please.”

“Stay away from us or I’ll file a harassment suit,” the man says coldly. “I mean it.”

Ben ignores him, running ahead and blocking their way. “Listen, please,” he says quickly, painfully aware of the dog baring its teeth at him again. “You’re his boyfriend, right? Can I ask you your name?”

“Husband,” the man says irritated, looking like he’s thinking of shoving Ben aside with the same force he used to punch his face earlier. “I’m his husband. And the name is Jared.”

Ben’s jaw drops. For the first time in his life, as far as he can remember, he’s completely gobsmacked. “Jared? _You’re_ Jared? You’re _real_?”

Jared looks a little taken aback at that, his anger momentarily making way for confusion. “Last time I checked. Why?”

“ _You’re_ Jensen’s imaginary friend,” Ben says stunned.

Jared frowns. “No, I’m his _real_ friend. Are you sure you’re a doctor and not one of the inmates?”

Ben can’t help laughing. “Jared, this is… You have no idea what this means. I have so many questions. Please, can we talk?”

Jared scowls and opens his mouth, clearly ready to tell him to fuck off, but then his face changes and he looks at Ben speculatively. “Were you there from the beginning? When they brought him in?”

“He signed himself in,” Ben corrects, “but yes, I was. I was his primary doctor through his two-year stay. In fact I strongly objected the decision to grant him leave since I didn’t think he was ready yet. Unfortunately I was overruled.”

Jared’s lips twitch angrily. “Careful. I might have to punch you again.” He stares at Ben for a long time and Ben does his best not to look intimidated, which is pretty hard considering the man is a giant and one snap of his dog’s jaws would probably break Ben in two. “I’ll talk to you on one condition: You tell me everything that happened to Jensen during those two years.”

The request catches Ben off guard. “But…” he says confused, “you said he’d already told you about his stay there.”

Jared shakes his head. “Only what he remembers. Which isn’t a lot. And there are some things…” He pauses, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “There are some things we both need to know.”

“A doctor-patient relationship is confidential…” Ben starts and without another word Jared turns Jensen around and starts walking away. “Wait!” Ben yells and runs to catch up with them. “Please. You have to understand. There are laws…”

“You stole two years of his life, fucking him up for the rest of it. I think he’s entitled to know what made him this way,” Jared says coldly.

Ben hesitates then sighs. “Look, if he wants to know I’ll be happy to talk to him about it. And if he wants you to be there then that’s fine with me. But I can’t talk to you without his consent. That’s just the way it is and I’m sure if you think it through you’ll realize you wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Jared looks undecided for a moment but then he nods and pulls a phone out of his pocket. “Give me your number,” he says. “I’ll talk to Jensen once he gets back and if he wants to see you we’ll give you a call.”

Ben breathes out and quickly recites his number before Jared changes his mind. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

Jared’s eyes instantly go hard again. “I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for him. If knowing the truth can fix even a fraction of what you guys managed to damage then we need that.”

Without another word he steers a still zombie-like Jensen out of the park and into a cab he hails from the street. The dog gives Ben a last glare before jumping in as well. Then they’re gone and Ben is left alone, feeling ill at ease and bewildered, the whole thing so surreal it might as well not have happened. He hears a rumble and looks up just as the heavens open, with heavy and cold rain beating down on his face. Within seconds he’s soaked through and cold to the bone.

 

_There’s a hand on his thigh. Too small to be Jared’s and too nervous to be his own. For a long time it just lies there, sweaty fingertips dampening the thin cotton of his pants. Jensen doesn’t move.  
“You’re so beautiful. Why did God make you so beautiful?”  
The whispered words are like a whimper breathed into the back of Jensen’s neck. Jensen wants to say that God most likely had very little to do with him being here but if he talks it means he’s awake and he’s not.  
The hand moves, sliding up and across his belly. “Tell me no,” the voice sobs. “Please tell me no.”  
‘No,’ he thinks, breath stuttering. ‘No.’  
“Did He send you? Is that why you’re here? To test me? Is that why…?”  
Jensen pulls back into the shadows of his mind and disappears._

 

By the time Jensen finally gets back from wherever he went to Jared is going mad with worry and Chris is on the war path, loudly describing all the things he’s going to do to “that fucking witchdoctor” once he gets his hand on him. They don’t even realize Jensen is awake until they hear the door to the piano studio slam shut and then the piano starts playing so violently the glasses and plates clatter in the cupboards. Harley whines under the kitchen table, nose nudging Jared’s leg.

  
[Master of Puppets / Scott D. Davis (8:47)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/MasterofPuppets.mp3)

“Fuck,” Jared says and gets up, almost knocking his half-empty beer over in his hurry.

“Wait,” Chris says, grabbing his arm. “Let him get the worst off his chest first. Might save us a few broken windows.”

Jared reluctantly sits down again, flinching when a loud key mash cracks the glass in one of the pictures on the wall. “So, mister music man,” he says weary, “would you describe that as pissed off, scared or considering-buying-front-row-tickets-to-Apocalypse-Now?”

Chris tilts his head, listening. “Definitely scared. And angry. But mostly confused.”

Jared nods. “Yeah, that’s pretty much what I got.” He sighs. “Am I insane even thinking about talking to this guy?”

Chris doesn’t answer at first. He’s frowning, looking deep in thought, and Jared is starting to think maybe he didn’t hear him when he finally looks up, eyes wearier than Jared ever remember seeing them. “No. I think we should talk to him. You said it yourself, the nightmares are getting worse.”

Jared nods. “Ever since his mom came back and he found out about… yeah. Fuck.”

Chris dismisses Jared’s guilt with a wave. “Okay, so obviously it’s bothering him big time, not remembering. And not being able to tell the difference between dreams and reality he’s possibly imagining things much worse than they were. Maybe knowing the truth will actually help.”

“But what if the truth is actually worse than what he’s imagining?” Jared says quietly. “Hell, Chris, for all we know he was abused for two years straight in that place.”

Chris’s face turns grim. “Well, if he was I have a psychiatrist to kill.” He squares his jaw. “Not much we can do except ask Jennyboy what he wants. If he wants to know then we’ll deal with that. And if he doesn’t… then we’ll deal with that.” He hesitates. “Maybe we should tell him. The doc, I mean.”

“Tell him?” Jared asks confused but then it dawns on him. “About Jensen? Are you serious?”

“Look, I don’t like it any more than you do but if our boy wants to do this, chances are he’s going to give himself away. He’s a lot of things our Jensen but an actor ain’t one of them. And that means we’ll be on the defense when we both know that son of a bitch should be the one taking the stand. Right?” He pauses and when he continues his voice is lower, almost fearful. “There’s one other thing. Jensen walked out of that place twelve years ago and broke every condition of his leave by disappearing. Honestly, I don’t know where we stand if the guy decides Jensen is better off getting locked up again.”

Jared stares at him. “What? He can’t do that!”

Chris grimaces. “Probably not. Thing is I don’t know. He could bring in the authorities if he thinks Jensen might be a danger to himself as well as others. Could have him institutionalized until we can prove otherwise. And we both know what will happen if Jensen goes anywhere near a hospital, not to mention a mental hospital.”

“He’ll probably blow up the place and then become catatonic,” Jared says, fear making his voice unsteady. “And they’re not about to let him out like that which means he’ll be stuck that way unless we bust him out of there.”

“Yeah.” Chris sighs. “Look, it’s up to Jensen but if we are going to do this I think it would be best if that fucking shrink knows what he’s actually dealing with. That the guy he kept drugged up to his eyeballs for two years, trying to _fix_ him, is actually _not_ insane but something else altogether.” He smiles grimly. “Frankly, I would love to see the look on the guy’s face when he realizes he locked up Harry frigging Potter.”

Jared’s lips twitch. “That would be kinda awesome,” he admits. “The ultimate kick in reality’s face.” He pauses, frowning slightly. The music has slowed down to a depressing melody that sounds so sad and weary it makes his heart clench.

  
[Winter Story / Grigor Iliev (6:40)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/Winter%20Story.mp3)

He gives Harley a reassuring pat on the head then takes a deep breath and stands up. “Ok, I’m going in there.” He looks over at Chris, pleading. “Do you mind sticking around?”

Chris snorts. “Kid, you just try throwing me out. I’m seeing this through.”

Jared gives him a small smile. “Okay. Thanks.”

The room is dark with a clouded night-sky showing only a few twinkling stars and the glimpse of a moon. There’s a fog crawling along the ground, misty and cold and Jared shivers, wondering if he should go fetch a sweater. Who knows how long it will take to break Jensen out of his gloom? On the other hand, by the time he gets back the whole scenery might have changed.

Rubbing his arms he starts walking in the direction of the music. He can never quite get used to the way Jensen’s magic can just ‘TARDIS’ what’s supposed to be fixed space, turning a small room into an endless forest or even a whole universe. He’s been stumbling along in the dark for almost five minutes when he finally catches a glimpse of a reflection of the crescent moon casting off the piano’s shiny surface.

Jensen sits slumped by the piano, his fingers dancing a slow waltz across the keys as if he can hardly find the energy to play. From somewhere far away Jared can hear the sad sound of a single violin. It makes the music sound macabre, chilly, and again Jared regrets not having brought a sweater if not for him then for Jensen whose bare skin is covered in goosebumps. He’s only wearing the t-shirt and boxers Jared put him to bed in and if he was anyone else Jared would be worried he’d fall ill.

“Jen?” Jared tries hesitantly.

Jensen nods but he doesn’t turn around and he doesn’t stop playing. Jared walks up to him and lays his hands on Jensen’s shoulders. They feel bony and small under his large palms, the skin cold like ice. Somewhere above them an owl hoots.

“Hey, Chris came over,” he says casually. “You wanna join us in the kitchen?” No answer. “There’s coffee,” he adds. Jensen’s fingers pause for a moment but then he shrugs and continues, one sad note dragging after another. Jared sighs. “You’re freezing, Jen. Come on, indulge me.”

Jensen breathes out. His eyes are closed and his fingers never stop moving. “Was he real?” he asks in a low voice.

Jared hunches over, wrapping his arms around Jensen’s chest and resting his chin on his shoulder. “Yeah. But he’s not here. And you don’t have to see him again. Unless you want to.”

Something in his voice must have given him away because Jensen frowns and then opens his eyes, turning his head so he can see Jared’s face. “He wants to see me?” he asks wary. His eyes suddenly widen and Jared can feel the heartbeat speed up under his palm. “He can’t take me back. Right? Jared?”

“No, he can’t,” Jared quickly reassures him. “Seriously, Jen, don’t even think about that. It will never, _ever_ happen, I promise you.”

Jensen breathes out. “What does he want?”

“It doesn’t matter what he wants,” Jared dismisses. “But… maybe he can give us something.”

That gets Jensen’s attention. He stops playing and straightens up, turning to face Jared. The room slowly brightens as the night sky and the forest fade away. “What the hell would we want from him?” he asks with a frown.

Jared gives him a small smile. “Oh, I don’t know. How about two years of memories?”

Jensen stiffens, his frown turning into a scowl and Jared hurries on before he has time to argue. “No, listen. I know you don’t want to think about those years but there are things… I think maybe we need to know what happened if only so we can know what _didn’t_ happen.”

Jensen sits still for a long time, eyes dark and unreadable. “But what… what if _everything_ happened?” he finally says, echoing Jared’s own thoughts.

Jared swallows. “Then we’ll know what we’re up against and can start dealing with it. As it is… Jensen, it’s your decision but I think leaving things up to your imagination might be worse.” He laughs, a little shakily. “Your head is a very scary place sometimes.”

Jensen looks away. “Sorry about that,” he says. “The whole… dreams thing.”

“Dude, it’s my fault we’re even talking about this. Me and my big mouth.”

Jensen shakes his head. They’ve gone over this so many times now and he still won’t let Jared own any of his guilt. “Not saying yes but _if_ we decide to meet with him, what if I, you know, do something?”

Jared clears his throat. “Yeah, about that…”

\-----

Truth be told Ben never expected to hear from either of them ever again but as it is he’s only been home for three days when he gets the call. The conversation is short and to the point as Jared gives him a time and place for them to meet, waiting impatiently on the line as Ben scribbles it down before promptly hanging up. He has to admit hearing Jared’s voice was a bit of a disappointment even if he hadn’t really expected Jensen to make the call himself. It makes him wonder though if he’s going to get to talk to Jensen at all or if all their communication will have to go through his caveman of a husband.

The date is set for this Saturday which gives him three days to finish reading up on Jensen Ackles’ files. Plus he has to take the weekend off from both family and work which will not be easy on such a short notice, especially since he can’t tell them what he needs it for. Marilyn would snap if she knew he was getting involved with this case again. And Jared would surely slam the door in his face if he even suspected the home had been informed. Instead he makes up a bad lie at work about a sick relative and tells his wife he’s been asked by a colleague he met in New York to give consult regarding a case that is similar to one of his own. Marilyn is not happy, she thinks he spends too much time working already, but he’ll make it up to her later. Right now all he can think about is solving the mystery that is Jensen Ackles.

When the cab pulls to a stop outside a regular apartment building in downtown New York he thinks for a moment that he must have taken the address down wrong. But as he steps up to it he spots the familiar name by the buzzer to the top floor. ‘Ackles’ it says, with a white sticker by its side adding ‘Padalecki’ to the list of residents. He is stunned to realize he’s being invited to their home and not the neutral ground he was expecting. Considering Jared’s protective nature he’d been sure they’d want to keep their home a secret, especially since Jensen had done such a good job of hiding until now.

His hands are sweaty when he pushes the button and it’s ridiculous because he can’t really explain why he’s so nervous. He feels like he’s about to stand trial for charges he doesn’t understand and that seem very unfair. The growly voice that demands to know his name and then tells him to come up does nothing to ease his mind and by the time the elevator reaches the top floor he’s wondering if maybe he’s getting himself into the kind of trouble he won’t be able to get out of. Jared seemed anything but stable and even if Ben is far from small Jared looked only a tint of green away from being Hulk’s younger brother.

And so it’s a surprise when the doors slide open and he’s met not with a giant but a short man with long hair and blue eyes that glare at him suspiciously. “Did you come alone?” the man asks and Ben’s first instinct is to lie and say he has a couple of buddies waiting downstairs. Big ones. Bodybuilders. Ex-mob. Whatever. Instead he nods and tries for a smile.

“Ben Teller,” he says, leaving out the Dr. for now since that’s what got him punched in the face last time. He sticks out his hand and the man takes it, reluctantly it seems.

“Chris,” he mutters, offering no last name. He nods to the briefcase. “What ya got in there?”

Ben frowns, not quite sure what to make of the interrogative tone. “Jensen’s files.”

“Let me see.”

Ben hesitates but then he shrugs and opens the briefcase. On top of the folder lies a small recorder. Chris gives Ben a look that can only be described as ‘How stupid are you?’ and picks it up, emptying it of batteries before putting it back. “You’re not recording anything that goes on in here. No taking notes either. You listen to what we have to say, you tell us what we want to know, and when you walk out of here you forget everything. Is that clear?”

“I’m sorry,” Ben says bewildered and just a little pissed off, “but who the hell are you?”

“I told you, I’m Chris,” Chris dismisses. “I’m a friend of Jensen’s. That’s really all you need to know.”

“If you’re done with the FBI act how about letting the man in?” a voice says from the doorway and they both look over. It’s Jensen, looking a little amused and a lot nervous. His eyes are on Chris but they flicker every now and then to the right, not quite meeting Ben’s but close enough that he can see how different they are from what he remembers. So vibrant and alive. Almost like they’re glowing.

“Jensen,” Ben says relieved, “Thank you so much for...”

“I’m not doing this here in the hall,” Jensen cuts him off and turns around, disappearing into the apartment. Chris gives Ben another glare before going in as well, giving him no choice but to follow. He closes the door behind him, discreetly straining his ears but when he hears no bark or growl or sound of claws tippling over floorboards he relaxes a little, taking off his coat as Chris waits before following him inside.

It’s not something he would usually notice but Jensen and Jared’s apartment is immaculately clean and tidy. There’s not a single thing out of place, even the shoes in the hall were in closed cabinets. He imagines it’s Jensen’s doing, he always was rather particular about how things were kept around him. Anal to the point of obsessive. Something they had been working on but has clearly reverted to what it was before. Ben silently sighs. This is what happens when people take matters into their own hands instead of trusting the doctors to do what they’re actually trained to do.

He follows Chris and Jensen through the living room and into the kitchen. Jared is there, making coffee. He throws Jensen a reassuring smile, Chris a knowing look, and then his eyes settle on Ben. After everything that happened last time Ben is on guard, expecting a punch as much as a handshake.

“Have a seat,” is what Jared however says, nodding toward the kitchen table. There are four chairs by it and Ben sits down on the one opposite the counter and closer to the door, nervously placing his briefcase on the floor by his feet. “You drink coffee?”

Ben nods then clears his throat, trying to reclaim some kind of authority. “Please. And two lumps of sugar if you have some.”

Jared holds his gaze. “Yeah, you clearly don’t know Jensen at all,” he says, sounding disgusted.

“Jared,” Jensen says in a quiet voice. “Let it go.” He opens one of the cabinets – with some difficulty it seems like it’s stuck – and takes out a bowl of sugarcubes, offering Ben some before placing two by his own mug. Oh.

“You never used to drink coffee,” Ben says because for some reason his oversight in not remembering how Jensen takes his damn coffee seems to have started them off on the wrong foot. Again.

Jensen turns back from where he’d been replacing the sugar bowl in the cabinet, giving Ben a confused frown as he sits down across from him. “I’ve been drinking coffee since I was fifteen,” he says. He looks up at Jared with a small smile when he comes over to pour into their mugs then focuses on Ben again. “It helped me focus when I was sleep deprived. Hormones,” he adds with a wave as if that explains everything.

“Okay,” Ben says slowly.

Jensen frowns again. “I really didn’t drink any coffee Inside?” he asks surprised and Ben can hear it now, as clearly as if it had been spelled out to him, the capital letter leading the word.

“No. No, you didn’t.”

He gazes at Jensen, silently studying him. The difference from the boy he used to know is so startling it’s amazing. Not only the way he looks, with those vibrant green eyes and the healthy glow to his freckled skin, but how he carries himself and talks. And that smile, the small one he’d sent Jared earlier, it does something to Ben that he can’t explain. Like tasting the first rays of sunshine on his tongue on a cold winter’s morning. He has this urge to reach out and touch Jensen. Just rest his fingertips on Jensen’s knuckles where he’s clutching the mug in his hand. Anything.

Jensen seems to sense it because he straightens up, pulling his mug closer to his chest. “I don’t remember much,” he says, looking uncomfortable. “I can’t even remember your name.”

 _That_ sends chills down Ben’s spine. They talked almost every day for over two years and Jensen can’t remember him? “Ben. Ben Teller,” he says. “I used to have a beard,” he adds, in case it matters.

Jensen shrugs. “I remember your face. Just not your name.” He pauses, seeming to think. “You had a daughter.” He smiles a little. “She must have started school by now.”

Ben swallows. “She’s fourteen. She’ll be in high school next year.”

Jensen’s face falls. “Oh.” His eyes drop down to the mug in his hands. “Sorry.”

“Dude,” Chris growls and Ben looks up startled. He’d completely forgotten they weren’t alone. “Stop it.”

Jensen lets out a short laugh. “They don’t like me apologizing for stuff like that,” he explains, looking up at Ben with a twinkle in his eye. “Gets them all riled up.”

“That’s because you shouldn’t,” Jared says firmly as he sits down beside him. “Especially not to people like him. _Or_ your mother,” he adds pointedly and Jensen scowls, as if that’s a touchy subject he’d rather not get into.

Ben however is itching to ask what they mean. Has Jensen’s mother been in contact with them? How did it go? But one look from Jared and he suppresses any thoughts of asking and instead watches Jared stir his coffee, waiting for either of them to start. Jared’s coffee is light brown but the milk must already have been put back in the fridge because Ben can’t see it anywhere. Just like the bowl of sugar had been put in its place. He can’t help wondering if they actually think it helps, enabling Jensen’s obsessive compulsion like that. Not that he’s going to criticize. He’s not stupid.

“How do you want to do this?” Jared finally asks. The question is clearly aimed at Jensen even if Jared’s eyes are on Ben. His voice is gentler, soft even, and Ben is struck once again by their obvious closeness. He still has trouble believing this is _the_ Jared, the friend everyone had been sure was imaginary.

Jensen sits silent for a long time. Jared’s hand slips casually under the table and Ben can envision it resting reassuringly on Jensen’s knee. As the minutes tick by Jared’s face grows worried and he glances up at Chris where he stands leaning against the counter, getting an equally worried shrug back. “Jensen?” he finally asks.

“I’m here,” Jensen says immediately. “I’m just thinking.”

Jared breathes out. “Okay. Just checking.”

Jensen smiles but he doesn’t look up. Ben isn’t sure what to do. Usually in situations like these he would lead the conversation, trying to get the patient to open up. But he has a feeling Jared will not take kindly to that. So he sits silent, waiting.

“I’m not insane,” Jensen suddenly says. “That’s not what was wrong with me. A little crazy maybe,” he adds with a quirked smile, “but not insane.”

“Okay,” Ben says slowly. He’s not sure where this is going. “Why don’t you tell me what was wrong with you then?”

“There was nothing wrong with him...” Jared starts angrily but Jensen grabs his hand, effectively shutting him up.

“Jared’s a bit touchy on that subject. Has been ever since he was little.” Jensen gives an annoyed and slightly blushing Jared a small smile before turning back to Ben, eyes serious. “He’s right though. There was nothing wrong with me.” He smiles a little crookedly. “There is now.” The implication is clear and Ben can’t help wincing.

“Jensen...” Jared sighs but Jensen just shakes his head.

“Oh, come on, Jared,” he says. He sounds tired. “I’m fucked in the head, we all know that.”

“Jesus, Jen, don’t talk like that,” Jared says pained but he doesn’t deny it.

“You believe being with us damaged you?” Ben asks, just to be sure. They all turn to look at him and the sentiment is obvious. “In what way?”

Jensen shrugs. “To understand that you have to understand what I am,” he says then takes a deep breath and says, “I’m not like everyone else. I’m different.”

Ben nods and smiles indulgently. This is familiar territory. Most of his patients feel that the rules of society don’t apply to them. The need to see their problems not as their own but everyone else’s is nothing new but if Jensen never managed to go beyond that there is no wonder he’s not been able to cope on his own outside in the real world.

Jensen smiles back. “You don’t believe me.” Ben starts to object but Jensen shakes his head, amused. “Bet you hear that every day, huh? Everyone thinks they’re different. And they are, of course. Each in their own way. It’s just... well, _my_ way is _very_ different. You could say it’s out of this world.”

He laughs a little at his own joke and Ben smiles along with him. Jared isn’t smiling though, he looks absolutely serious and when Ben glances at Chris he sees that same matter-of-fact look there, mixed with what looks like anticipation. When he catches Ben looking he offers him a small smirk. Almost like he’s waiting for a joke to begin, a joke that will no doubt be on Ben’s expense. It makes Ben shift uneasily in his seat.

“Okay,” he says to cover up his discomfort. “Tell me. Tell me what makes you different.”

“I think I’ll rather show you,” Jensen says, “if that’s all right. I’m more of a... visual person.” He chuckles again and this time Ben can see a smile tugging at Jared’s lips as well.

“All right, what would you like to show me?”

“What kind of music do you like?” Jensen asks, a small smile playing upon his lips. He’s clearly enjoying himself, the nervousness Ben could detect earlier seems to have vanished with the decision to share his tale.

“Uhm... any kind really. Jazz...” Somewhere close by a piano starts playing a lively version of Thelonious Monk’s _Reflections_. Ben blinks. “Or early pop...” he continues hesitantly, eyes widening when the music changes to _Yesterday_ by The Beatles. Jensen just smiles mischievously.

“Yes?” he says, tilting his head.

“Uhm... classical? Beethoven...” The Beatles change to _Für Elise_ and Ben sits back in his chair, eyeing Jensen with suspicion. “Okay, that’s enough,” he says. “What game are you playing?”

The music cuts off immediately. “It’s not a game,” Jensen says, suddenly serious. “This is my life.”

He blows on the steam from the coffee streaming up from the mug in front of him. As Ben watches it changes until it’s the shape of a flower, tinted slightly pink. He blinks. What the...?

“See, my parents didn’t want me to be locked up because I was insane,” Jensen continues calmly, “but because I am...” He pauses. “I guess the term is ‘magical’,” he says, sounding a little embarrassed.

Ben stares at the flower shaped steam. He feels a little dizzy. “What?”

“Magical. I make things happen, usually without meaning to.” Jensen shrugs. “It can be very... unnerving. My parents needed a break so I agreed to go away for a while.”

Jared huffs and rolls his eyes, clearly not agreeing with Jensen’s account of the events but he doesn’t say anything.

“Thing is they hadn’t really explained to me what it entailed,” Jensen continues in a low voice. “If I’d known I’m not sure I would have gone along with it.” He goes silent and then slowly his eyes lose focus until he’s staring blankly at some point behind Ben, clearly far away.

“Is he...?” Ben whispers, fighting not to freak out or laugh hysterically or in any way show that his professionalism is totally blown out the window. “What is he doing?”

“Dealing,” Jared says. His voice is soft and his love and concern is so obvious it hurts Ben’s heart. “See, this is what you did,” he continues, voice still low but the tone considerably harder. “You ruined his ability to safely express emotions. So he goes away for a while when they become too much for him to handle.” He puts an arm around Jensen, allowing him to lean his head on his shoulder. “He should be back in a few minutes.”

“What do you mean, ‘safely’?” Ben swallows. “What did _he_ mean by ‘magical’? How did he...?” he waves his hand at the dwindling steam that has gone back to looking ordinary and innocent. “This makes no sense!”

Chris huffs, clearly disgusted. “If you’re going to go through all five stages can we please skip the depression part? We get enough of that from Jensen.”

“You’re thinking of the five stages of grief,” Ben says automatically. “This... this is completely different.”

“Is it?” Jared looks at him. “You just got the news that you were responsible for keeping a perfectly healthy teenager locked up in a mental institution for two years, consequently damaging him emotionally for life.”

Ben shakes his head. “No. That is not... _No_. I saw him first thing in the morning, day after he arrived. He was barely responsive. He hardly spoke a word. For God’s sake, he had to be monitored for bathroom breaks!”

Jared’s eyes flash and when he speaks his voice is hoarse with anger. “Yeah? Well, he left home perfectly fine. Never been sick once in his life. A brain the kind you can only dream of. Eloquent, insightful, a frigging genius. What happened between that and the morning after?”

“I don’t...”

“Sleeping pills,” Jensen says and they all turn to look at him. He’s pale and his eyes are still flickering like he’s fighting to keep focus. “They gave me sleeping pills.”

“But...” Ben says bewildered, pushing away for now that whole magic nonsense even if he has to admit that the flower trick was pretty neat, “those sleeping pills are harmless. They’re very mild, designed to wear off in a few hours. It makes no sense.”

Jensen shrugs. “I told you I’m different. I can’t even take aspirin.” He takes a sip off his coffee, grimacing when he realizes it’s turned lukewarm. “How long was I gone?” he asks quietly.

“Not long,” Jared reassures him. “Five, ten minutes maybe.”

Jensen nods before looking back at Ben. “Drugs shut me down. Don’t matter what kind they are. They take away my colors, my sounds, my ability to think. And if I fall asleep... I have nightmares. The kind that would make people believe they were in Hell.”

His voice is emotionless, flat, as he recounts his first day Inside, as he insists on calling it. It gets shakier, hoarser, as he goes on describing his panic the next day when he realized the drugs weren’t wearing off and how it only got worse with the added drugs prescribed to him, by Ben himself. Drugs that were meant to help him but instead they trapped him for the next two plus years in a world that was as dull and meaningless as dust in an empty room. When he finishes Ben sits back, running his fingers through his hair. He feels... He has no idea how he feels.

“Why didn’t you say something?” he finally asks.

Jensen looks down at the briefcase by his feet. “Those my files? Can I see them?”

Ben hesitates then nods, fetching the briefcase and pulling out a thick folder. “They’re in chronological order.”

Jensen nods, flipping the first file open. Jared leans in closer and together they scan the files in silence. All the while Chris stands with his arms crossed, glaring at Ben like a watchdog just waiting for the order to attack. Ben sips his coffee, eyes on Jensen. Emotions flicker over his face as he reads, anger and frustration and grief, mixed with confusion and surprise. Like what he’s reading doesn’t fit entirely with what he remembers. When he finally speaks his voice is tight, his anger clearly winning over.

“Patient shows signs of distress when given medication,” he reads out loud then flips back to another page. “Patient keeps trying to hide pills. And here,” he says, stabbing his finger at the papers in front of him, “‘Patient had to be sedated after throwing a tray of medication on the floor’.” He looks up at Ben, jaw set tight. “I tried to tell you, again and again, but you wouldn’t listen.”

“Son, that is...” Ben shakes his head. “No one wants to be medicated. We have these arguments with everyone. But that’s why they come to us, because they’re not capable of making those decisions for themselves.” He laughs a little shakily. “Are you telling me they’re all magical?”

Jensen frowns, as if the idea is ridiculous. “No, there’s just me. I’m the only one.”

“Of course. So lets say you’re right, you are magical.” Ben gives him a small smile. “That doesn’t mean you weren’t in need of help.”

Jensen scowls. “You’re still not listening,” he says, sounding increasingly annoyed. “You’re sitting in a box, trying to arrange the whole world into other boxes, lined up around you according to your pattern of logic. Well, that’s the thing. I’m not of this world. Or at least I don’t think I am.” He looks a little uncomfortable. “I’ve never really figured out where I came from.”

“You think you’re an alien?” Ben asks, indulging him for now.

Jensen snorts. “Do I look green to you?” He gives Ben a thoughtful look. “I can see I’m not getting through to you. Let’s try something else. Come on.”

He stands up and walks out of the kitchen. Ben searches Chris’s and Jared’s expressions for any clue of what’s going on but they offer him nothing so he has no choice but to follow Jensen who walks past the living room and down a short hall, stopping before a closed door. When he turns to face Ben his eyes look weirdly bright in the unlit hallway.

“This is my room,” he says. “Only four people have been allowed in here. I hope you understand the importance of that.”

Ben nods, his curiosity starting to get to him.

“Okay.” Jensen pushes the door open and walks in. “Don’t step on the cat,” he says and Ben looks around, making a note of the colorful room, the old piano, and the total absence of any animal, cat or otherwise.

“Oh, you started playing again?” he asks, doing his best to sound supportive when inside he’s sighing in disappointment. Another wall of progress brutally knocked down.

Jensen’s obsession with music had been their biggest challenge. He kept stealing radios from the common room as well as from the other residents. Radios that most often ended up being thrown against a wall in frustration because according to Jensen they only played noise and never the music he was looking for. He was always tapping his fingers, on every surface he could find and his own knees and thighs when nothing else was available, but it didn’t sound like any rhythm or song they recognized and judging from Jensen’s frustration he didn’t find any satisfaction in it either. According to the backstory provided by his parents Jensen had been teaching himself to play the piano for close to three years before he came to the home and had become so obsessed with it he let everything else fall aside, including basic needs like eating and sleeping. From what Ben had seen he could only deduct that it was an obsession born out of aggravation, probably because despite his ambitions Jensen clearly had no talent, in fact he’d seemed completely tone deaf.

“Any progress?” he adds politely, willing for now to play along if it will help him gain any insight in this new Jensen who he understands even less than the one he knew before.

“Some,” Jensen says, smiling a little. Someone snickers behind Ben. He has a weird feeling it’s Chris.

“You should sit down.” Jensen points at a couch that stands by the window. The window that has thick chicken-wired glass, the kind used for storages and basements. Jensen catches him staring and says, “It gets a little wild in here sometimes.” There’s that snicker again but when Ben looks sharply over his shoulder both Jared and Chris are watching him calmly as if laughter is far from their mind.

Ben sits down on one end of the couch and Jared sinks down on the other, long legs stretched out in front of him, fingers laced behind his head. Chris stays standing, leaning against the wall by the piano, his eyes on Ben. It’s weird but Ben would almost say he looked giddy.

“Any preferences?” Jensen asks, throwing Ben a glance.

“Just play whatever you feel like,” Ben answers easily.

Jensen smiles. “Always trying to analyze me,” he murmurs, almost to himself. He sits silent for a while and then he looks over at Jared, eyes gone serious. “I want to do Rach’s 2nd,” he says.

Jared sits up, suddenly taut with tension. His long legs fold at the knees as he leans forward on the couch, firmly shaking his head. “Jensen.”

It sounds like a plea, a warning even, and Ben looks at him surprised then over at Jensen who is smiling, a little sadly.

“I’ll be okay,” he says. “I just... I need him to see.”

But Jared keeps shaking his head. “Jen, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he objects, voice uneven.

Ben recognizes it then, that tone. It’s fear, plain and simple, and he has no idea what to make of that. What on earth can be so frightening in a piece of music, however badly it might be played?

“I trust you to get me out if it gets too dangerous. Both of you,” Jensen says, looking over at Chris. “Knock me out if you have to.”

“You’re fucking insane,” Chris grits out angrily but Ben notices he doesn’t say no.

“Certified,” Jensen deadpans but the joke falls flat and Ben has a feeling his presence has a lot to do with that. “Jared, please,” Jensen adds when the silence stretches on and the way he says it, quiet and pleading, makes Ben realize that if Jared insisted Jensen would give in. It’s in stark contrast to his initial judgment that Jared and Chris are used to following Jensen’s whims, whatever they are. He’s not sure what to make of that.

Jared stands up and walks over, crouching by Jensen’s side. They talk in low tones, a murmur of voices that ends with Jared taking Jensen’s face between his hands and kissing him. Just a firm press of lips against lips but it’s as intimate as any declaration of love Ben has witnessed and he looks awkwardly away, feeling for the first time like he’s intruding. Then Jared is sitting down on the couch again, back straight and a look of resigned worry on his face.

“Brace yourself,” he says in a low voice and even if his eyes are set on Jensen, Ben is pretty sure the words are directed at him. He looks over to see Chris has sunk down to sit on the floor, looking tense and ready to spring to his feet at the first sign of trouble.

The whole thing is bewildering.

Jensen is sitting perfectly still with his eyes closed and his palms lying flat on his thighs. It looks like he’s holding his breath, waiting for... Ben can’t imagine what. Maybe for inspiration to strike. He looks like a statue but not the one Ben remembers from so many years ago. This is more like motion captured in a frame. It almost feels like he’s vibrating, in fact Ben can swear he sees the air shimmer around him, like waves of heat on a summer’s day. Ben finds himself holding his breath as well because whatever is about to happen, whatever Jensen thinks himself to be, this moment of silent anticipation is filled with such beauty it seems rude to disturb the air. The man in his stillness, so contrary to the turmoil Ben knows is inside his head, is unearthly beautiful. The piano, old and worn and so clearly loved, stands there quiet and tragic, waiting in vain to be filled with music. Together they make the kind of picture photographers around the world would kill to capture.

When Jensen finally moves it startles Ben a little, like he’d forgotten there was a human being trapped in the stillness. He can hear Jared suck in his breath as Jensen lifts his hands, eyes still closed, and across the room he sees Chris gaze at Jensen almost reverently, his mouth slightly open. Then Jensen lowers his hands and Dr. Benjamin Teller’s whole world as he knows it ceases to exist.

  
[Rachmaninoff: Piano Concerto No.2 1st mvt / Orchestra of the Vienna Gesellschaft ; Felicja Blumental (piano) (10:06)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/Rachmaninoff%20Piano%20Concerto%20No.2%201st%20Mvt.mp3)

(Ps. I really, REALLY recommend you pause here and listen to the music before continuing. Preferably with your eyes closed and using headphones. I mean, it's up to you but I think otherwise you might miss out. Just so you know.)

~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~

The wind is howling outside the window, the room is dark, the air suffocating, but all Jared feels is Jensen’s warm breath on his face and the rapid beat of Jensen’s heart drumming against his ribcage. He’s got Jensen wrapped up tight in his arm, murmuring reassuring words of “I’m here” and “It’s me, it’s really me” into his ear, a feeble answer to Jensen’s endless gasps of “Jared. Jared. Jared.” He’s vaguely aware of Chris watching them from the doorway and even with his back turned he can easily picture the look on Chris’s face, torn between anger and grief and helplessness. It’s exactly how he feels himself.

That and guilt. Even if it wasn’t his decision to make he knows that all it would have taken was one more ‘No’ and Jensen would have given in and played something else. Because he’d known what it would do, was there to witness it less than two months ago, a few days after Jensen’s mother came to visit. It was his fault that time, too. Him and his big mouth, bringing up memories that were for all he knew only the bastard child of their imagination. 

From across the hall he hears the toilet flush for what must be the third time, the sound barely audible over the noise of the storm. Jared closes his eyes and buries his face in Jensen’s neck, whispering the same words over and over again. “I’m here. I’m real. You’re never going back there, I promise. I swear, Jen, I swear. Never again. Never.”

Jensen is still shaking but he’s gone quiet now, his ragged breathing slowly evening out and Jared can tell the moment he falls asleep. He waits, lips pressed into the hollow of Jensen’s neck as he counts the beats of Jensen’s heart slow down under the skin. When moss starts crawling up the bed and the air fills with the sweet smell of summer Jared finally dares to breathe out. He’d just as much expected to be thrown into one of Jensen’s nightmares but it seems like Jensen’s brain has decided to allow him his rest. Jared can hear a child laughing somewhere deep in the forest but he doesn’t know if it’s Jensen or one of the elflike children he sometimes comes across in Jensen’s dreams. It’s enough though to convince him that at least for now Jensen is safe and so he gently extracts himself and slips out of bed.

Chris is leaning against the wall in the hallway, right outside the bedroom door. He’s pale, eyebrows drawn together in thought but as soon as Jared touches his shoulder he looks up, the familiar grim scowl back in place.

“He asleep?” he asks and Jared nods. Chris glances into the room, relaxing when he sees no hint of immediate danger. “Better not leave him alone for too long though,” he adds and Jared almost asks him if he wants to go lie down, that he’ll gladly handle Teller on his own. He knows just how addictive it is, sleeping next to Jensen, even if their situations aren’t quite comparable. 

But just then the bathroom door opens and Teller steps out. His skin is grey, his shirt is rumpled, and there’s a defeated look in his eyes, remindful of a religious man that’s had proof of God’s absence thrown in his face. He startles at the sight of them so close, then glances across and through the doorway to the bedroom. If possible he pales even further.

“Is he...?” he whispers.

“He’s sleeping,” Jared says, pushing himself off of the wall. He reaches over to close the door but not before a bunny slips out into the hallway and hops happily toward the living room, fading away and disappearing as soon as the door falls shut. Ben stares at the space it occupied, hand coming up to cover his mouth before falling limp by his side.

“It’s all real,” he says, sounding dazed. “Everything... it’s real. Oh god.”

Jared glances over at Chris who shrugs, looking just as uncomfortable as he feels. Somewhere halfway through the performance Teller had started crying, tears running shamelessly down his face as Jensen’s memories got darker and more desperate. Jared had heard him whisper over and over again, “I didn’t know, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry,” and it had suddenly hit him how cruel they were being. Somehow in their anger they’d forgotten there was a human being behind the title and that they were punishing someone who wasn’t guilty of anything other than following the rules of the normal world. How was the poor man supposed to know? He seemed like a decent enough person and Jared doesn’t doubt that he did the best he could for a patient he was never equipped to understand. 

“Let’s go sit down,” Jared says and puts a hand on Teller’s shoulder, steering him toward the living room. “You want a beer? Or maybe something stronger.”

“Whiskey. If you have it,” Ben says hoarsely. “I just need...” He trails off, as if he has no idea how to finish that sentence.

Jared nods. “Sure. Sit. And breathe,” he adds gently. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“I just...” Ben waves his hand weakly, eyes losing focus again as he sinks down on the couch.

Jared looks over at Chris who nods and goes over to one of the locked cabinets, getting out a bottle of malt whiskey and placing it on the sofa table before disappearing into the kitchen to find them some glasses. 

“How is this possible?” Ben murmurs. “How...? It makes no sense.”

“Very little about Jensen makes sense,” Jared tells him with a small smile, looking up when Chris comes back with three empty glasses trapped between his fingers and holding one large one in his other hand, filled with water.

“Drink this first,” he says, handing the water over to Ben before pouring them each a generous amount of alcohol. Ben gulps down the water then grabs his whiskey and drinks down half of that as well. “Easy,” Chris warns him. “Wouldn’t want you to be sick again.”

Ben doesn’t even seem to hear him. “And the music... God, the music. I don’t understand.” He turns to Jared, tears in his eyes. “He couldn’t even follow a simple rhythm back then. I thought he was tone deaf.”

Chris slams his glass down, making them both jump. “Back then?” he says sarcastically. “You mean when he was drugged up to his eyeballs on your fucking pills?” 

Ben winces, his knuckles turning white where he clutches the glass, and Jared sighs.

“Look,” he says to Ben, leaving Chris to cool down on his own, “the Jensen you knew isn’t real. That Jensen, _you_ made him, you understand that? You can’t base any of your assumptions on that person. _This_ is the real Jensen. This is who he actually is.”

Ben nods. He takes another big gulp then starts coughing as if he’s only now feeling the burn of the alcohol. “Okay,” he says as he gets his breath back. “One thing at a time. I need to take one thing at a time.” He closes his eyes, breathing deeply a few times before looking up again. “Even without the, the... without everything else, the music was beyond anything I’ve ever heard. The _orchestra_ and, and... God, the _piano_. The piano was... _That_ was self-taught?”

Jared nods. “Mostly. His parents tried a tutor at first but as soon as he started playing stuff like this happened and that was the end of that. So he just kept on by himself. Then of course, after he got away from you, he went to Juilliard.”

Ben stares at him. “He what?”

Jared can’t help smiling. “He studied at Juilliard here in New York. He’s actually a teacher there now. Very popular, especially with the young ladies.” He grins. 

“But what about the... the...” Ben waves his hand helplessly.

“Magic?” Jared suggests. “He’s learned how to suppress it. Drains the hell out of him every time but he loves his job so...” He shrugs.

Ben laughs. It sounds a little hysterical. “I can’t believe we’re talking about magic like it’s actually real!”

“I’d offer you to take another peek into the bedroom to reassure yourself,” Jared says drily, “but it feels creepy, inviting you to go watch my husband sleep.”

Ben laughs again. “God, this is so bizarre.” He drains the rest of his whiskey, shaking his head when Chris offers him another. “If I get drunk there’s no way I’ll be able to believe any of this actually happened.”

“Fair enough,” Chris says lightly, topping up his own glass. Jared still hasn’t touched his. He hardly ever drinks hard liquor, hasn’t really touched it since his first attempt of college when he spent most of his time drunk on tequila. These days he prefers beer or the occasional shot when they go out which isn’t often. Jensen gets very affectionate when he’s drunk, both physically and emotionally, and as much as Jared loves having Jensen all over him, coming in his pants in the middle of a club or bar isn’t exactly comfortable.

“So magic... is real. Actual magic. That’s...” Ben shakes his head. “That will take some getting used to.” He breathes out. “I want to know everything. Everything you can tell me. Like what can he do?”

Jared shrugs. “Most of what he does is accidental, things that happen without him meaning them to. Like the weather for instance, it simply follows his mood but once he realizes what’s going on he can usually put a stop to it.”

“The weather?” Ben says incredulous. “You’re joking, right?”

Jared raises one eyebrow at him. “Have you looked outside?” he says. The wind has gone down a bit but there are still hails the size of green beans melting on the window sill. 

“Oh. That day,” Ben says slowly, “in the park, it was sunny and warm and then...”

“And then he saw you,” Jared finishes for him.

Ben shakes his head. “But that’s impossible. That’s just...”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Chris mutters. “Are you gonna be like that about every fucking thing we tell you? Because that’s gonna get boring real quick.” He leans forward, eyes on Ben. “We’re not lying, okay? About any of it. So just... go with it.”

“Chris,” Jared chastens mildly, smiling when Chris scowls, almost petulantly. “It’s a lot to take in, I know,” he tells Ben, “but Chris is right. Everything we tell you is true. However impossible it might sound.”

Ben looks from one of them to the other but finally he gives in and nods. “Okay, okay. So he can change the weather. What else?”

Jared rubs his neck. “Pretty much every magic you can think of, I guess. Except turn back time. And heal people. And... what else?” he asks Chris.

“Bend spoons,” Chris mutters. “He still refuses to bend my spoons. I mean, it’s a classic! Would it hurt if he tried bending just once? For me?”

“He bends for me,” Jared says innocently. “All the time.”

Chris glares at him for a moment but then he starts chuckling. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

“Pretty much, yep,” Jared says smugly. 

“When did you get married?” Ben cuts in, looking awkward, when they both turn to him. “Sorry, I just... You’re right. I know nothing about him, about his life. But he was... He was _my_ obsession. Ten years ago. My wife almost divorced me because of him. I just want to understand.”

Jared stiffens and Chris stands up, hands curling into fists. Ben’s eyes widen and he sits back on the couch, clearly shaken.

“Jesus, no. Not like that. Nothing like that. I just... He was an enigma. I tried everything to get through to him and nothing worked. And then he disappeared. I just got obsessed with finding out about him. I sat over his files day and night, reading through them, trying to find a clue. This is like my second chance.”

Jared breathes out. He can understand that. Jensen does have a way of needling his way into people’s hearts, whether he means to or not. “We got married this April. In Canada. My dad lives there.”

Ben nods. “And you were childhood friends. So when he left us he went back to you?”

Jared shakes his head. “Looked for me but I’d moved so he didn’t find me. Chris took him in instead.” He gives Chris a grateful smile. “Took care of Jensen for me for eight years while they waited for me to finally show up.” 

“Took you long enough,” Chris mutters but the tone is soft. “Thought I’d be stuck with him for the rest of my life.”

“You wish,” Jared says mildly and they both know there’s more truth to that joke than Chris would ever admit. Even if he only lives a few blocks away he’s over there more days than not.

“Did you know that he was... magical?” Ben asks Jared, clearly still having trouble grasping that whole concept. “When you were children?”

“We were hardly children,” Jared says. “Not Jensen anyway. He was seventeen when I got to know him, I was a few weeks short of fourteen. My mom wanted me to learn to play the piano and Jensen was hired as my tutor.” He smiles wistfully. “I was his first friend. At seventeen, imagine that. He’d never had a friend, never had anyone to play with or talk to outside his family. His parents kept him close, hardly letting him out of the house because they were so scared he’d do something. He never even knew what it was like to be a kid, I think. But no, I didn’t know. Not until it was too late.”

“But the music?” Ben says bewildered. “If he was teaching you...?”

“He had me close my eyes. Every time. So whatever I experienced he convinced me it was my own imagination, that that’s what music does. To everyone.” He laughs. “I was a really stupid kid. Very gullible. And the rest... I don’t know. I think I didn’t catch on because it’s not supposed to be real. I mean, I see him do stuff all the time, right in front of people, and everyone shakes it off like it’s nothing. They don’t see it because it’s not supposed to be there.”

“So you never saw anything strange in him?” Ben asks, clearly skeptical. “He was normal to you?”

“You have to realize he wasn’t like he is now,” Jared says quietly. “He was a little strange, sure. He talked funny, sometimes said things that made no sense. But he didn’t zone out the way he does now. He didn’t disappear into his own head so much. Now... If he’s left on his own he’ll just play the piano until he passes out. He gets lost all the time because he’s too deep in thought to notice where he’s going. And he has nightmares that scare the shit out of me.” He looks up at Ben. “They’re why we wanted to talk to you.”

Ben visibly blanches. “Oh,” he says. “Are they about... what the music showed?”

“That, but also other things.” Ben looks at him expectantly but Jared shakes his head. “Not without Jensen. It’s his to tell.” He checks his watch, frowning. “Actually I should get back to him. He sleeps better when there’s someone with him,” he says before looking back up at Ben. “We can continue tomorrow.”

Ben opens his mouth as if to argue but then he nods. He looks tired. “Sure. Yeah. That sounds good.” He gets up, a little unsteady on his feet. “Noon?”

“Yeah.” Jared follows Ben to the door, giving him a reassuring pat on the back as he enters the elevator. “Look,” he says awkwardly, reaching out at the last second to stop the door from closing. “I’m sorry for hitting you. You know, in the park. I don’t really blame you personally for the way he is. I’m just... angry. He never should have been in that place.”

Ben looks at him, eyes weary. “I tried to help him. For two years I tried everything to reach him. I’m not a bad person.”

Jared swallows. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Ben shakes his head, sighing. “It’s okay. Honestly, if that had happened to my wife, not to mention my daughter – I would have beaten the shit out of the person responsible.”

“But you weren’t the one responsible and I shouldn’t have...”

“Not for him being there, no. But you were right, I kept feeding him different drugs, trying to find something that might help. It never even occurred to me that they might be harming him. Even if he did tell me. Repeatedly. I didn’t listen because I thought I knew better.” Ben rubs a hand over his face. “Christ, I’m supposed to know what I’m doing,” he says, sounding defeated.

Jared sighs. “Listen, I don’t really know you, and honestly this is about the worst place to have this kind of conversation,” he says, waving his hand to indicate the hallway, “but I’m sure you do know what you’re doing. You just didn’t know who you were dealing with. He doesn’t blame you so why should you blame yourself?”

“Because my job is to make people feel better, not worse,” Ben says and with that the doors close, leaving Jared standing in the hallway, feeling once again like a jerk. 

He walks slowly back into the apartment. The living room is empty, as is the kitchen, and he finally finds Chris in the still forest-like bedroom, standing by Jensen’s bed, watching him with fond and worried eyes. He looks up when Jared comes in and quickly steps back as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. 

“Dude, don’t be like that,” Jared says, halfway between amused and sad. “You know he wouldn’t mind.”

“Yeah, well,” Chris mumbles, looking uncomfortable. “Not my place anymore.”

“He’d kick your ass if he heard you say that. You’ve got as much right to be here as I do.”

“Whatever.” Chris shifts on his feet. “I was thinking maybe I should stay over, in case things go bad. If that’s all right with you.”

Jared would roll his eyes if he wasn’t afraid Chris would kick him. “It’s always all right,” he says. “You know that.”

“Right. Yeah.” Chris gives Jensen a last longing look before stepping back and clearing his throat. “See you in the morning. And wake me up if you need help.” 

He reaches for the door but just as he touches the knob the door slams shut. Startled he swirls around, glaring, but Jensen is still fast asleep, even snoring lightly. Chris goes for the doorknob again, pulling his hand back with a surprised yelp when tiny sparks of electricity hit his fingertips. “Son of a bitch!”

“I think maybe Jensen wants you to stay,” Jared says with a grin. “He misses you, you know,” he adds softly when Chris just glares at him. 

Chris looks undecided for a moment but then he sighs. “Fine. But if he humps my leg I’m out of here.” He turns to Jensen, a soft and grateful look in his eyes Jared is pretty sure he doesn’t know he’s showing. “Can I at least brush my teeth? I’ve been drinking whiskey, you moron. You hate that smell.” When nothing happens he adds, “I’m gonna pee in your closet if you don’t let me go to the bathroom.” 

The door clicks open.

“Thank you,” Chris sneers and walks out, muttering insults under his breath that really sound more like endearments.

Jared uses the time to strip Jensen down to his boxers before tugging him in, strategically placed in the middle of the bed. As soon as Chris returns Jared goes to brush his teeth and pee, and when he comes back Chris is lying uneasily on one side of the bed, looking ten kinds of awkward and still strangely happy. Jared just smiles and strips down to his underwear before turning off the lights and crawling in on Jensen’s other side. 

“Good night,” he says lightly, grinning when Chris only grunts something inaudible. “If he gets frisky just flip him over,” he adds. The punch to his shoulder is totally worth it.

~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~

_Words. Whispered into his hair. Warm and damp and frightened. “I just want to... I need to... Please. I need to know. I need to know if I’m... Jensen, please.”  
‘You are,’ he thinks. ‘You know you are. You don’t need me for that. For anything.’He keeps his eyes closed but he can’t shut out the words. And he can’t shut out the hands touching him.  
“If you just... If you just let me... There. Oh. Oh God. It’s so...So soft. So, so soft. I want... Can I? Please.”  
It’s warm. Wet. So strange. So... So wrong. No. _ No! _Don’t...  
“Get your hands off him you sick bastard or I swear to God I’ll break every single bone in your fucking body!”  
Jensen blinks his eyes open. Mason is gone. The room is gone. He’s in the forest with a strong hand gripping his shoulder. “Chris?”  
“Yes!” Chris stands glaring into the forest a while longer as if daring the culprit to return before turning his eyes on Jensen, just as fierce. “Christ. I don’t need this shit. I’m trying to sleep, asshole, and you keep showing me... that! Why you letting him do that to you? Some sick creep. That’s not Jared, man. You know that right?”  
A smile tugs at Jensen’s lips. “Chris...”  
“Gay porn. In my own frigging head! You like people watching you, bring your boyfriend along, not me.”  
Jensen laughs. He pulls Chris into a hug, ignoring his half-hearted struggle and the string of curses. “Thank you.”  
Chris huffs. “Whatever,” he says awkwardly. “Where’s that good for nothing husband of yours? Why ain’t he here?”  
Jensen swallows. He can hear Jared now, yelling inside his head. “I won’t let him. Not anymore. Not to see... that. It hurts him too much.”  
“Yeah, but scarring me for life, that’s okay,” Chris mutters, clearly trying for annoyed but he sounds relieved, even a little proud.  
“Well, I know you’re into that kinky stuff,” Jensen says lightly and just laughs when Chris punches his arm. “Come on, lets get Jared. I wanna show you something.”  
Chris sighs. “Is it another one of those faries? ‘Cos they creep me out.”  
Jensen smiles and takes his hand.“No, it’s something way, way better.”_

~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~

When Ben wakes up the next morning and the sun is shining brightly he feels stupidly relieved. Not that he’s completely convinced that Jensen actually _can_ control the weather but if he’d woken up to a snowstorm he might possibly have thought twice about going back there. Everything he saw and heard last night feels even more surreal now as he steps out into the slightly chilly October morning, heading for the nearest Starbucks. Everything he sees, everyone he meets… it’s all so normal. Well, as normal as people in general are. His point is, there’s nothing that suggests that the world contains anything or anyone that falls outside the ordinary and slightly dull normalcy of everyday life.

He gets in line to wait for his coffee, orders a cappuccino when it’s his turn, then sits down to enjoy it along with a fresh blueberry muffin. All the while searching people’s faces for any clue that they can feel the influence of a powerful magical being living close by. There’s nothing. Sure, there are a few more smiles about than he’d expect so early on a Sunday morning but the weather is exceptionally nice for the middle of October so maybe that’s not so strange.

Once he’s finished eating he takes his coffee with him and walks to the park, again looking for signs that suggest things are different from what they should be. The grass is mostly green, the leaves are a beautiful mix of autumn colors, and there are still a few struggling flowers, refusing to give in to the cold. He sits down on a bench, legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. After a while an old lady sits down on the other end, pulling a bag of seeds out of her pocket and within moments there’s a flock of birds fighting at his feet as well as a couple of squirrels, nervously nosing around.

Ben eyes the woman speculatively and she gives him a small smile, eyes crinkling at the corners, as she offers him the bag. “Go on. Take a few.” 

He smiles back, groping out a handful of seeds and so they sit there, side by side, feeding the birds. Before he can stop himself Ben says, “Do you believe in magic?”

She glances over at him, looking more amused than surprised. “You don’t live around here, do you?” she asks. He shakes his head. “Well,” she says as she slowly gets to her feet, shaking the last of the seeds out of the now empty paper bag, “stay for a while and you’ll see there’s no reason to ask the people of New York that question.”

“What do you mean?” Ben asks confused.

“You’ll see,” she says and winks at him. Ben watches her go, feeling strangely alone all of a sudden. He checks his watch and sees it’s still only half past ten. He’s got an hour and a half to kill before he’s due back at Jensen’s. With renewed determination he gets up and dumps his now empty coffee cup in the nearest trash can. Looking under the surface is after all what he does.

~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Jensen says as soon as Ben steps out of the elevator. He’s been waiting at the door, practicing his apology, but it still comes out rushed and awkward so he takes a deep breath and adds, “I shouldn’t have done that. It was completely out of line.”

But Ben just shakes his head and says, “It’s all right. I get it. You needed me to see.” He smiles, and Jensen can smell a whiff of wet leaves and sadness. “Some things you can’t say with words.”

Jensen swallows. “No, you can’t.” He looks over his shoulder, making sure no one is listening then lowers his voice. “I’m still sorry. I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself.” He smiles wryly. “I’m trying to be better at that. Remembering other people.” Ben just looks at him confused. “I mean I forget sometimes,” Jensen continues uncertain, “that other people have...”

“For fuck’s sake, Jenny, stop flirting and get him in here,” Chris calls from inside the apartment, startling them both. Jensen rolls his eyes even if he’s grateful for the interruption. He has a feeling he was heading into rambling territory. 

“Just having a quickie in the elevator,” he yells back, laughing when Jared shouts, “Don’t forget, safety first!” He turns to Ben and is met with a look of confusion and a touch of discomfort. “Sorry. They’re idiots. Come on in.”

“They seem in a good mood,” Ben comments in a careful voice as he takes off his coat. “You too. You look better.”

Jensen shrugs. “We had a good night’s sleep,” he says, smiling at the memory of waking up with Chris snoring in his ear and Jared flailing and falling over the edge of the bed when Jensen rolled and accidentally bumped into him. The bed really isn’t made for three grown men, especially not when one of them is as big as Jared. “Jared told me you were pretty messed up when you left last night,” he says, unable to keep the guilt out of his voice. “You feel better?”

Ben gives him a small smile but he looks a little awkward. There’s something there that Jensen can’t put his finger on. Like crumbs left on an empty plate in a kitchen smelling of stolen cookies. “I had a good walk,” he says, picking up his briefcase. “Central Park.”

“Yeah?” Jensen says, smiling brightly. Ben blinks, startled, and Jensen quickly turns the smile down a notch. “Sorry. I just love the park. My second favorite place in New York.”

Ben smiles hesitantly back. He looks rather dazed. “ What is your first?” he asks as he follows Jensen into the kitchen. 

Jensen glances back at him. “Wherever Jared is,” he says surprised, wondering how that is even a question.

“Oh.” Ben looks a little awkward. “How about before he found you?” 

“Uhm... Inside my head, I guess.” Jensen nods thoughfully to himself. “Not all the time but... yeah. Even if he wasn’t real he was still there, you know.” He turns around to find Chris and Jared watching them, looking amused. “What?”

“Nothing,” Jared says, laughing a little. “Just you, being you.”

“Oh shut up.” He blushes, quickly going over the conversation with Ben in his head to try and figure out what weird thing he might have said this time. There’s nothing he can think of. “Did you eat?” he asks Ben to change the subject. “We just finished but if you’re hungry...”

“I had something earlier,” Ben says. “But I’d love some coffee.”

“Black, two sugars,” Jensen quietly reminds himself as he goes to fetch mugs. When he turns around he catches Ben looking thoughtfully at the cabinet he just closed. “You wondering about the safety locks?” he asks and Ben blinks up at him, looking embarrassed at being caught staring. “I send stuff flying sometimes so we can’t really have anything lying around. Could knock someone out without meaning to.”

Chris snorts. “Yeah, except when you totally mean to. Like this morning.”

“It was a dishrag!” Jensen protests. “Not like it hurt you, princess.”

Chris grimaces. “It was a wet dishrag and dirty and stinking of sour milk, thank you very much.”

“Well, you were being a little bitch,” Jensen shoots back, grinning when Chris flips him the finger. “Anyway,” he continues, turning to Ben, “that’s why. Not because I’m an obsessive neat freak, like I know you were thinking,” he adds wryly.

Ben has the decency to look a little guilty but Jared just snorts. Jensen narrows his eyes at him. “Shut up, it’s not an obsession. It’s... prevention. Safety precautions.”

“With a side order of OCD,” Jared persists but he’s smiling. “Jen, admit it, you are a neat freak. Gotta take that first step to recovery.”

“See what I have to put up with?” Jensen tells Ben with an air of annoyance. “No respect whatsoever.” Ben smiles but it seems a little off, like he hadn’t really been paying attention. Jensen shoots Jared a glance but he just shrugs, not sure what to make of it either.

They take their mugs into the living room and settle down. Jared and Jensen on the couch, Chris and Ben each picking a chair opposite. Jensen is starting to get nervous and he knows Jared can feel it because he shifts closer and puts his arm over Jensen’s shoulders, heavy and soothing. Ben is quiet, seeming deep in thought, but he keeps glancing up at Jensen with a speculating look in his eyes that does nothing to ease Jensen’s nerves. The silence drags on, everyone seeming to wait for Jensen to speak up but he has no idea how to start. Even if he wants to know he also doesn’t. Not at all. Not if it’s bad. Not if it’s worse than he’s been imagining. 

“Did you know there’s a group of people that get together about once a week, discussing your magic?” Ben suddenly asks, startling all of them. 

Jensen stares at him. “Uh, what?” he says. “What are you talking about?”

Ben nods, watching him intently. “Not _your_ magic specifically since they don’t know about you, but yes. It’s a small group, maybe ten, fifteen of them. They have this idea that the park is a central spot for magical influence. It would explain all the floral phenomena that has happened there the last decade. They’re still debating the possibility of meteorological influence. Seems many think that goes beyond what magic should be capable of. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell them they were wrong.”

Jensen blinks. His heart is beating way too fast in his chest. “Fuck,” he whispers. “Jared?”

Jared jerks out of his stupor, arm tightening around Jensen’s shoulder. “It’s okay. Don’t worry. Are you sure?” he asks Ben. “That they don’t know who it is, I mean.”

Ben nods, his eyes on Jensen. He looks more intrigued than worried. “Yes, I’m sure. The few who think it’s a person and not just the park itself seem to think it’s a witch. As in a woman. Because of all the flowers,” he adds when they all just stare at him.

Jensen frowns. “What’s wrong with flowers?” he asks confused. “I like flowers. Men don’t like flowers?”

“Well,” Chris says, clearing his throat, “there’s a reason why boys aren’t named Daisy.” He shrugs when Jensen just stares at him. “I’m just sayin’, girls get the flower names, not us.”

“Huh.” He’s never thought of that. It’s not so much that he cares, more that he doesn’t quite understand it. What’s more magical than nature in all its glory? “Well, so what?” he says firmly. “I like flowers. They’re beautiful and they smell nice. Jared likes my flowers. And I know you like looking at them even if they make you sneeze,” he tells Chris pointedly then turns to Ben. “You don’t like flowers?”

Ben smiles a little, clearly enjoying Jensen’s indignant rant. “I’ve never thought much about it but sure, I like them.” His eyes turn serious. “There was a garden at the home. You didn’t like it. Didn’t like going out there. Why?”

Jensen shrugs. “It had no colors, no smell. Everything looked and felt like it was made out of papier-mâché. At least when I was inside the house I could pretend the walls were just painted grey.”

Ben nods, his gaze dropping as if he’s remembering what Jensen showed him yesterday. “So...” he says after a moment of silence, “you’ve been having nightmares. Jared told me,” he elaborates when Jensen looks at him surprised.

Jensen goes still. “You were talking about me?” he asks Jared in a low voice.

“No secrets, I promise.” Jared sighs when Jensen holds his gaze, silent. “I just told him some things about how we met, stuff like that. He was pretty freaked after your grand show, Jen. I couldn’t let him just walk out of here without explaining some things. And yeah, I told him we needed some answers because you’ve been having nightmares.”

“Oh.” That sounds reasonable enough even if he doesn’t really like the idea of being talked about when he’s not present. “Okay.” He looks over at Chris who’s staring down into his coffee mug. He looks nervous. Apprehensive even. “Chris, if you want to leave...”

Chris glances up at him, startled. “What? No. You want me to leave?” he asks, sounding unsure.

“No.” Jensen shakes his head. “Stay. Please.”

Chris shrugs, his face going slightly pink. “Said I’d see this through, didn’t I?” he mutters.

“Thank you.” Jensen takes a deep breath then turns to Ben. “I’ve always had nightmares, even before I came to you. But after I got out... they changed. Became more memory based. Just reliving those two years, over and over again. Not that I remember much but my imagination does a pretty good job of filling in the blanks. And lately it’s been focusing more and more on... certain parts of it.”

Jared shifts uneasily beside him and Jensen lays a hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly. ‘Stop it. Not your fault,’ he thinks and Jared tightens his grip on Jensen’s shoulder in return. ‘Yes, it is,’ he’s thinking and Jensen sighs, letting it go for now.

“I shared a room with someone,” he continues, his voice slightly unsteady. “A boy called Mason. I need to know what happened with him.”

Ben pulls back. “I can’t really discuss other patients...” he starts but Jensen shakes his head, cutting him off.

“Not that, ” he says quickly before he loses his nerve again. “I need to know what happened to me. With him.”

“Oh.” Ben hesitates. “You think something happened between the two of you?”

“Don’t think. I know.” Jensen licks his lips. His resolve is crumbling but he keeps on. It’s too late to turn back now. “Things did happen, I know that. I just don’t remember... I need to know how long and... and to what extent. If we...” He stops. There’s a bad taste in his mouth. Like bitter onions and sour sweat and something else he’d rather not think about.

There’s silence for a while and then Ben says gently, “Okay, what do you remember?”

Jensen takes a deep breath. “He cried. I mean, he was always crying but that time... He kept begging me, saying please and that he needed to know if that was really what he was. I assume he meant being gay. And I just... I let him. Partly because I’d been wondering the same thing but mostly because...” He laughs a little shakily. “It sounds so damn stupid but God, I just wanted him to stop crying! And would you believe it, he still cried. Through the whole thing.” He pauses, swallowing. “He blew me and then he asked if he could...” He stops, fingers drumming his thighs, fast and so hard it hurts. The piano starts playing and he breathes in the music, letting it flow into him. “I think,” he whispers, “I think maybe I said no and he did it anyway. But I don’t know. I don’t remember. I can’t _remember_.”

“Did what exactly?” Ben asks. His voice sounds very far away. Jensen opens his eyes. The room is dark and damp, with puddles at his feet and the smell of the ocean in the air. He fumbles for Jared’s hand but his fingers sinks into wet sand, so black and cold he feels that if he moves it might suck him down.

“Fucked me,” he murmurs. His voice is strange, distant, like he’s talking about someone else. Something else. He closes his eyes again. Jared’s hand comes up to cradle his head, pulling it closer until it’s resting against Jared’s broad chest. He hears Jared’s voice, deep like a drum’s rumble that echoes through his ribcage. He sounds angry but he smells scared and Jensen doesn’t want to be here anymore. He wants to go away and take Jared with him. This was such a fucking stupid idea.

He can hear Ben murmuring something and then the rustle of paper. Slowly he opens his eyes. The room is back to normal, bright and familiar. Ben is flipping through his files, brow furrowed. Chris is sitting rigid in the chair beside him, jaw tight and fingers clutched around his coffee mug. Jensen can feel the tension in the air, so charged he’s afraid to breathe. Finally Ben looks up at Jensen, eyes calm but serious.

“First off, Jensen,” he says gently, “you need to understand that Mason committing suicide had nothing to do with whatever happened between the two of you. He’d been unstable for many years, attempting suicide four times while in our care and twice before that. And even if we’d done our best to keep an eye on him the truth is that if a person is determined to end their life it’s only a matter of time before they succeed. I just want you to know that.” 

Jensen keeps quiet. Both Jared and Chris have told him the same thing many times. It might be true but it still doesn’t change anything. 

“Now, regarding what happened...” Ben pauses. “I don’t know what you remember from that time, and from what you’re telling me I gather it’s not much. But you were friends of sorts, the two of you. Not close, you couldn’t form that kind of emotional attachment then, but you liked each other well enough. He used to follow you around, never straying far from where you were. He used to call you his best friend. You, however, repeatedly called him Jared.”

Jensen winces. He doesn’t remember doing that but if it’s true it sounds so cruel. “Why? Why would I do that?”

Ben gives him a sad smile. “Sometimes it was accidentally, just a slip of the tongue, but there were times when you seemed to think it was really him.” He glances over at Jared. “I see now that there is a resemblance but not enough to account for the mix-up.” He tilts his head, studying Jensen thoughtfully. “I think maybe you missed Jared so much that you altered Mason in your mind until you saw what you wanted to see.”

Jensen nods. It makes sense. “Jared was the only thing I didn’t lose,” he says. “He was always with me, in my head. Without my music and everything else gone... He was the only thing keeping me from going insane.” Ben looks away, looking slightly flustered and Jensen mumbles, “Sorry. Just trying to explain. Didn’t mean to...” He trails off, not sure what he meant.

“Don’t apologize,” Ben says in a low voice. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

There’s silence for a long awkward moment and then Ben clears his throat. “Anyway, yes. You seemed to connect in some way and seeing as you were both alone and in no contact with your families we thought the friendship might do you good. And I guess... I guess we let our guard down.” He pauses, dropping his gaze for a moment before meeting Jensen’s eyes again. “You are a very handsome young man, Jensen, as I’m sure you know. Extraordinarily so. I think I can safely say we were all a little enthralled. Especially Mason.” 

Jensen can feel his face heating. People keep telling him that but he can’t see what they see. He just sees himself and it’s not a person other people should want. There are too many shadows in his eyes, too many demons on his back. Looking at himself and Jared side by side in the mirror there is no doubt in his mind who is the beautiful one. 

“I didn’t know,” he says but maybe he did. Maybe that’s just one more thing he’s forgotten. “Did I?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, I don’t think you did. You didn’t really pay much attention to other people. Or anything really. And the only man you were interested in was Jared, your imaginary friend or so we thought. Except to you he was very real.” He pauses then adds, “A little too real sometimes.”

Jensen waits for him to continue but Ben stays silent, just watching him intently, and that’s when he gets it. Oh. Oh! Oh God. He covers his mouth with his hand, his breathing quickening into shallow intakes of air that make his head spin “Oh Jesus.”

“What?” Jared asks in alarm. “What’s going on?”

“It was me,” Jensen whispers. “I thought he was you. I thought...” He closes his eyes, fighting to keep his panic back. “Did I hurt him?” 

“No,” Ben says quickly. “Jensen, listen to me. Calm down. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not like that. Okay? Are you listening?”

“Then what did I do?” he asks, voice rising. He’s shaking now, feeling sick to his stomach and so dizzy he wishes he could lie down. Of all the things... He never once considered that he might be the one to blame. “Tell me what I did!”

“You did nothing wrong, Jensen,” Ben says firmly. “You listened to him, talked to him, sat close to him. Just small things that wouldn’t have mattered if he hadn’t been so besotted by you. Because all you saw when you looked at him was Jared. And he didn’t realize that until it was too late and he was already in love with you.”

“What happened?” Jared asks quietly, pulling Jensen closer. “Tell us what happened.”

“We don’t really know. Not the details. After he died we found written notes hidden under his mattress. Most of them were about Jensen.” Ben looks down at the files in front of him. “He mentions getting into your bed a few times. ‘I touched him and he let me,’ he writes. We don’t really know what he meant, how much touching went on. Or what it means that you let him; if you participated or gave him your permission or simply didn’t fight back.” Ben pauses to look up at Jensen. “Do you remember?”

Jensen shakes his head. His heart has calmed down a little but he still feels sick. “But I keep having these dreams where he... He’s in my bed, talking and touching me, and I can’t... I can’t speak, my voice won’t work. So instead I go away. In my head,” he elaborates, voice shaking. “That’s what I did... what I do. Just go away when I can’t handle things. I don’t really know how to handle things.” He pinches his arm hard. “Like now. I really, really want to go now.” He squeezes his eyes shut, breathing in and out as he tries to hold on to his mind.

“Chris, can you...?” he hears Jared say, followed by the scrape of Chris’s chair. There’s a moment’s silence and then soft music starts playing. Chopin, sweet and so beautiful it fills his chest with fresh air and gently blows away the clouds from his mind. 

“Better?” Jared asks him in a low voice and he nods, still breathing heavily through his nose. “Take all the time you need.”

He doesn’t know how long he makes them wait but when he finally manages to open his eyes everyone is watching him. Chris looks like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, they keep curling into fists in his laps then uncurling again, fingernails scratching the rough denim of his jeans. Ben has straightened up in his chair, pen put aside by the files still scattered on the low table in front of him. He looks more intrigued than worried though and Jensen guesses that’s how you handle awkward situations when you’re a shrink, you sit back and analyze them. Jared still has his arm around Jensen’s shoulders, fingers digging into the thick muscle of his bicep. He’s quiet and would appear calm if it wasn’t for the smell of wet gravel in his hair.

“I’m okay,” Jensen tells him then looks back at Ben, trying for a smile. “Sorry. Go on.”

But Ben just continues watching him. “You think this is what you did?” he finally asks. “Went away?”

Jensen nods then clears his throat. “I don’t remember him doing more those times than just touch me. Usually my stomach or my hip,” he says. “You know, close but not... not _there_. I think he kissed my neck. But if it was more than that I wasn’t there while it was going on.” He swallows. “He didn’t say? Nothing?”

“No, nothing more than what I already told you. I’m sorry.”

Jensen shakes his head. He hates not knowing but it would be worse, knowing and not remembering. At least this way he can tell himself the reason he doesn’t remember is that there is nothing _to_ remember. That what happens in his dreams is just that, dreams, no more real than all the other weird things he dreams about. “What about... later?”

“That’s where it gets complicated,” Ben admits. “The night he died he wrote, ‘I tasted sin’. If you remember his mouth on you I assume that’s what he meant.” Ben pauses. “You were asleep when we found him. You didn’t even stir in all the commotion that followed but that was nothing unusual. Sometimes you slept for days. But then we found his notes and after reading them we got worried. So we... checked on you.”

Jensen closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to hear this.

“The string on your pants was loose and your t-shirt had been pushed up. There was... semen on your stomach and thighs but without a DNA we couldn’t tell if it was his or your own.”

“Must have been his because I came in his mouth,” Jensen murmurs into the dark behind his eyelids. “I’ve no idea how because I couldn’t really feel what he was doing. Just heat. His mouth was really hot. But I did come. That I remember. And him asking me if he could... have me. But I can’t remember my answer. I can’t _remember_. But he was touching me _there_ with his fingers... So I must have said yes.”

“Jensen,” Ben says gently, “you said no.”

He opens his eyes slowly, blinking at Ben in confusion. “What?”

“You said no,” Ben repeats, smiling a little. “You stopped him, told him no and so he backed off. Nothing more happened.”

“Nothing?” Jensen whispers. “He didn’t...? You sure?”

“Yes, I’m absolutely sure. We found the last note he’d written on the floor where it had fallen from his hand. It clearly stated that he wasn’t able to go through with it. And Jensen, we checked you. There was no tearing. He stopped before it got that far. I promise.”

“Oh thank God,” Jared cuts in, his voice hoarse. He pulls Jensen tight, burying his face in Jensen’s hair. “Jesus, Jen.” Across the table Chris stands abruptly up from his chair and disappears down the hall and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him as if that might fool anyone.

Jensen sits still, blinking slowly. He’s told himself for so long that it didn’t matter, that it was no big deal. So the fact that it didn’t happen shouldn’t matter either. Should be just another detail he can file away as a product of his overactive imagination, like the phone call he’d thought he’d received from his mother while Inside or all the memories of Jared visiting him that he always knew weren’t real but couldn’t let go of none the same. But this, this isn’t like that. 

“Do you think Hallmark has a card for this?” he says flatly. “ _‘Congratulations! You weren’t raped!’_ Because you should totally buy me one of... of those.” His voice breaks on the last word and before he can stop himself his shoulders start shaking and then he’s crying into his fist, eyes squeezed shut and hitches of breath tearing at his throat. 

“It’s all right,” Jared mumbles, his voice thick with emotion. His arms wrap around Jensen and he lets himself be pulled into the embrace, burying his face in Jared’s soft sweater. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, baby.”

Jared’s never called him that before. It sounds sort of ridiculous, and if Jensen wasn’t busy sobbing like an actual baby he’d call Jared on it. Joke or feign insult because he’s not a damn girl whatever the current situation might imply. But as it is he just allows Jared to murmur the words into his ears while long fingers cradle the back of his head and a large hand strokes his back.

When he finally pulls back, discreetly wiping his face with his sleeve, Ben is politely pretending to be immersed in his files and Chris is back in his chair, watching him. He looks relieved but he smells angry and it makes Jensen uneasy. He tries for a smile but if anything that only makes Chris look angrier.

“So let me get this straight,” Chris says, turning to Ben. “You knew all this, about him being molested in his own goddamn bed and you never thought of talking to him about it? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Ben looks a little startled. “It wasn’t like that,” he says wary. “We weren’t trying to cover anything up, I promise. It was reported, it’s in his files...”

“I don’t care about your fucking files. Why didn’t you tell _him_? He had a right to know!”

Jensen sighs. He gets where Chris’s anger is coming from but the truth is he doesn’t really care. It’s over. There’s nothing to be said and done now that would change the way he’s been feeling the last ten years.

Ben rubs one hand tiredly over his face. “We did talk to you about it,” he tells Jensen. “Eventually. You were asleep for almost twenty four hours and when you woke up you were confused about where you were and why. Which was nothing new, that happened a lot. But it made it more difficult to get you to focus on our questions. You didn’t seem to remember anything and the more we asked the more upset you got. In the end we decided to let it go and rather follow up on it later if you started to show any signs of remembering. You never did.”

Chris still looks furious but Jensen shakes his head, asking him to let it go. What does it matter now? He just wants to put it behind him. Behind _them_. Finally. He closes his eyes. He feels lightheaded with relief and at the same time so heavy, like all energy has been drained out of him as far as to the marrow of his bones. He wants to sleep, sleep without dreams of a boy he can’t really remember and a crime that never was. Peace at last.

Breathing in deeply he opens his eyes and looks at Jared. “I think I’m gonna go lay down for a little while. If that’s all right.”

Jared nods, pulling him in for a kiss. “Of course. Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will.” He turns to Ben. “Don’t mind Chris, he’s just being an overprotective asshole like always.” He sends Chris a small smile and gets a grumpy scowl in return. “Thank you,” he then tells a surprised Ben, offering his hand. “And don’t take this the wrong way but I hope I never see you again.”

Ben takes his hand and shakes it. For a moment it looks like he wants to say something but then he smiles sadly and nods, still hanging on to Jensen’s hand. “Thank you for talking to me. And for showing me... well, you. I’ve spent so many years trying to figure you out but I never in a million years would have even thought of...” He stops, looking awkward, then adds in a low voice, “You’re quite a remarkable man, Jensen. And I’m really, really sorry for what we did to you.”

Jensen shakes his head, squeezing Ben’s hand a little before letting it go. “Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know. If I can forgive my mother, who _did_ know, it would be rather stupid to keep on blaming you.”

Ben looks like he wants to say something, probably ask about his mother, but in the end he just nods. “Thank you.”

Jensen gives him a small smile and then turns away. As he walks to his bedroom he hears Jared and Ben talking in low murmurs with Chris’s grumbling voice occasionally interrupting. Minna slinks out from the piano room and follows him to the bedroom, jumping up and curling into a ball on Jared’s side of the bed. Jensen laughs, scratching her behind the ear before taking off his jeans and crawling under the covers. He’s asleep within minutes.

~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~

Jared looks down at the thick folder in his hands then puts it down on the table in front of them. “You sure?” he asks and Ben nods.

“Files get lost. Not often but it happens. No one will question it.” He pauses. “You should find answers to most of your questions there. If something is unclear or... Well, you have my number.”

Jared nods and stands up. He waits while Chris reluctantly shakes the man’s hand before wiping his palm on his thigh like he can’t help feeling disgusted, still. Jared rolls his eyes but it’s not his problem really so he just gives Ben a small apologetic smile and follows him to the door.

“So what really happened to Mason?” he asks quietly just when Ben is about to leave. “I was watching you earlier, when you said he’d backed off as soon as Jensen told him no. You were lying. He didn’t, did he? What happened?”

Ben stands silent for a while but then he looks up, eyes wary. “He had a faint silver mark on his shoulder, shaped like a hand. It faded away before the coroner arrived but I could have sworn it looked like someone grabbed him from behind, forcefully pulling him away. I didn’t tell anyone because it seemed absurd and once it was gone I wasn’t even sure if it had been real or if I just imagined it.” 

Jared breathes out. “So it is true. He really can’t be hurt, not even when he’s drugged stupid. Thank God!” He gives Ben a wry smile. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really sorry for the boy dying. But I can’t be sorry about Jensen being protected. If he wasn’t it would be too easy for bad people to hurt him. He zones out a lot. And not always in the most secure places.” 

Ben hesitates but then he nods. “I can’t say I disagree with you. I just wish it hadn’t happened. The boy was disturbed but he wasn’t evil. I blame myself more than I could ever blame him. Or Jensen.” He turns away but Jared catches him by the arm, stopping him.

“So you think Jensen did it?” he asks in a low voice. “That he made the boy kill himself?”

Ben shakes his head. “No,” he says firmly. “It was his own decision. I’m sure of that.”

Jared searches Ben’s eyes for any signs that he might be lying but there’s nothing. “What more did Mason’s last note say?” he asks.

Ben frowns as if he’s trying to remember and then he quietly recites, “’Forgive me Father for my trespassing. I lay my hands on Your angel, seeking to sin, and You lay Your hand upon me, saving my soul. His beauty was my downfall, Your strength my salvation. I have been purified.”

Jared stares at him. “Seriously?”

Ben shrugs. “Most of his notes were written like scripture. Vague and at times very hard to decipher. I assumed Jensen had pushed him away but maybe something... well, magical happened that changed Mason’s mind. Whatever it was it kept him from giving in to what he’d been battling with his whole life, the great sin of homosexuality. His opinion, not mine,” he hastens to add when Jared frowns at him. “He was very religious.”

“I thought the Bible frowned upon suicide,” Jared says stiffly.

Ben smiles a little sadly. “From what I could read out of his notes I don’t think he saw it as suicide. I think to him it was more of a sacrifice, offering his sinful body to God in hopes He might purify his soul.”

Jared nods, lips thin. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m being prejudiced. I gave up on religion a long time ago.”

“Because of Jensen?” Ben asks, sounding genuinely curious.

Jared shakes his head. “Not really, I’d started doubting before I met him, but when I found out what he was it pretty much sealed the deal.” He bites his lip, thoughtful. “Funny thing is I think Jensen still believes. Or maybe more that he wants to believe that there is a reason behind him being here beyond just being a freak of nature. That he’s as much God’s creation as the rest of us.”

“You don’t think he is?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know or even particularly care why we’re here, but I think he was born for a reason. Like maybe he was supposed to be a gift to us. From Nature herself. And we screwed it up.”

“Well,” Ben says, picking up his briefcase as he gives Jared a small smile, “if that’s true I think you’re doing a pretty damn good job of fixing what we messed up. When he’s with you he looks happy. Like he’s finally where he’s supposed to be. So maybe you were born for each other.”

Jared doesn’t answer because he doesn’t know what to say. It’s what he wants to believe and most times he does but then there are the moments when he feels like he’s not enough. That Jensen should have more than just a nice apartment and a good job and someone who loves him. That he was destined for more and the only reason he ended up with Jared is because Jared was his first friend. If things had been different, if his parents had been more understanding, if Jensen had stayed in school, if he hadn’t been forced to hide what he was but instead had been able to show the world there was something more out there... He could have had the whole world at his feet. Instead he has... Jared.

Jared waits until the elevator door closes on a still smiling Ben before turning around and heading back into the apartment. He picks up the thick folder from the sofatable, weighing it thoughtfully in his hand before gripping it tight and heading for the kitchen. Chris is there,, putting away their now clean glasses. “He gone?” he mutters as he hears Jared enter, back still turned as he wipes the counter.

“Yeah.” Jared sits down, watching Chris putter around in the kitchen, making sure everything is clean and in its place. “You keep your own kitchen as spotless as this one?” he asks curious. 

Chris throws him a glance. “Only if I know Jensen’s coming over,” he says. “Why?”

“Nothing.” Jared purses his lips. “Do you think he’s happy enough?”

Chris turns slowly around, eyeing him. “Do you mean in general or with you?”

“Both, I guess. I can’t help wondering if this is enough for him. It somehow feels like he should want more because... well, he _is_ more.”

Chris just shakes his head at him. “He wants you. It’s the only thing he’s ever wanted. Someone to love him and that someone to be you. He got both. If you think he’s not happy you’re a goddamn idiot.”

Jared raises his eyebrows, smiling a little. “Thanks. I guess.” 

“You’re welcome.” Chris takes a last quick look over the kitchen before squaring his shoulders. “I’ll be going then. Might still get some use of the rest of the weekend.” He pauses in the doorway, eyeing the thick folder where it lies innocently on the table. “Those files, you gonna read them?”

Jared shrugs. “If Jensen wants me to. You want to read them?”

Chris shakes his head. “I’d rather I didn’t know half of what I _do_ know. Don’t feel the need to add to it. But...” He clears his throat. “If there’s something I _should_ know you’ll tell me, okay?”

“If it’s okay with Jensen,” Jared says carefully.

Chris huffs. “It better be,” he mutters. “Just ‘cos I don’t live here anymore don’t mean he can keep secrets from me. If he does I’ll kick his ass. You can tell him that.”

Jared grins. “I will.”

He waits until he hears the front door close before standing up. His fingers stray over the thick folder on the table before passing it with a grimace. As much as he wants to understand what Jensen went through it’s not a discovery he’s looking forward to. The small glimpses he got yesterday as Jensen flipped through the first pages were enough to make him dread reading the rest. 

Jared checks his watch. It’s only two o’clock in the afternoon but Jensen looked emotionally drained after the whole ordeal. Jared figures he’ll give him another hour before waking him up. It’s a nice enough day, they could go for a walk, pick up Harley from Steve, then have some coffee and maybe visit the park. Make a few believers happy with a flower show. Jared smiles at the thought. It’s going to be a good day, he can feel it.

~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~:~♫~

 _They’re walking through an endless field of red poppies, hands clasped, the sun shining warm and bright down on them. “Florian, that’s a boy’s name,” he’s saying.  
“Yes, but only if you have cruel parents,” Jared answers with a smile.  
“What’s wrong with flowers?” Jensen continues, ignoring him. “I don’t get it.” Jared laughs and Jensen shoots him a frown. “No seriously, how can someone not like flowers?” he says, spreading his arms to indicate the amazing beauty around them. “It’s like saying you don’t like water or sun or nature. Then how are you supposed to live?”  
“Jen, you’re ranting again,” Jared tells him, laughter in his voice.  
“Well, it’s stupid,” Jensen grumbles.  
“Aww, baby, let it go,” Jared laughs, pulling him in and kissing the top of his head. “Flowers are very pretty. And very, very manly.”  
Jensen punches him in the arm then looks up at him with a frown. “Ok, what’s with the baby talk?” he asks with a raise of his eyebrow. “You’ve never called me that before.”  
“I haven’t?” Jared asks back, sounding genuinely surprised. “Huh. I guess maybe I’ve been thinking about it lately.”  
“Mushy endearments?” Jensen scoffs. “You want me to start calling you pumpkin?”  
“No.” Jared snorts then glances at Jensen, looking slightly uncertain. “No, I mean babies. You know, kids. As in us maybe having some. One day. You know. Maybe.” He shrugs, face flushed.  
Jensen stops. The world seems to hold its breath.”Oh,” he says uncertain. “I didn’t know you wanted that.”  
“You mean, you didn’t know _you _wanted that,” a familiar voice says.  
Jensen goes still. Then he turns and faces not Jared but himself, green eyes studying him,all thoughtful and with a slight hint of pity. Jensen swallows. “No,” he says quietly.” I didn’t know I wanted that. And I really wish you hadn’t told me.”  
His other self shrugs.”Not like it’s my choice. It’s your head, remember?”  
Jensen opens his mouth to point out it’s actually _their _head when..._

“Jensen? Jensen. Hey.” Jared smiles down at him, eyes warm and happy. “Thought I’d wake you up before you dream the day away.” 

Jensen blinks. He can feel his face heating. “You saw my dream?” he asks carefully.

“No. I knocked first so...” Jared palms his face, rubbing a thumb gently over his cheek. “Anything you want to talk about?”

Jensen looks at him, at the easy smile, at the slight flush in his cheeks, at the happiness in his eyes. He takes a deep breath and smiles back. “Nah,” he says. “Nothing important. Just saw the foal again.”

Jared’s face lights up. “You did?” He shakes his head in wonderment. “God, that’s something I never expected to see. A baby unicorn, how amazing is that?” He leans over and kisses Jensen on the nose before smiling down at him. “Now come on, let’s go to the Park and freak out that cult of yours. I’m thinking tulips, everywhere!”

He looks so mischievous Jensen can’t help laughing and he lets Jared easily pull him to his feet. “You know it’s October, right?” he says as he pulls on his jeans.”Tulips are mostly a spring flower.”

Jared sighs dramatically. “Pumpkins then. Ooh, how about this? We turn every single flower in the park orange! And the trees. And the grass. And...”

By the time they make it out the door Jensen is laughing so loud every single person in New York City is smiling happily without having the faintest clue why.

 

fin

These are the pieces Jensen's piano plays for Dr. Ben Teller:  
[Reflections / Thelonious Monk (5:02)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/thelonious_monk-reflections.mp3) (It cuts off at the end but I haven't been able to find a better version.)  
[Yesterday by The Beatles / Charles Parker (2:50)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/beatles_piano_suite_yesterday_64kb.mp3)  
[Beethoven: Bagatelle in A minor Wo023 "Für Elise" / Balazs Szokolay (3:09)](http://www.besserwiss.com/felisblanco/02%20Bagatelle%20in%20A%20minor%2c%20WoO23%2c%20_F%fcr%20Elise_.mp3)

 

Hope you enjoyed and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Day Like Today (A spin-off ficlet from The Doors of Time)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/480816) by [boxparade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxparade/pseuds/boxparade)




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